Season 2 Episode 3
It was brought to my attention today that this podcast has been picked up and hosted by several other sites. Along with ourtupelo.com, Anchor.fm and Spotify, there have been other platforms pick up the podcast as of today. Google Podcasts, Breaker, PocketCasts, and RadioPublic have all picked up the show and if you have any of those platforms you can hear it. I was also made aware that Apple is pending – so we’ll see. I do have all of you to thank for that because if there were no listeners – there’d be no platforms. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart – I promise. Enough of the sappy stuff let’s dive into to what is happening today and find out what matters to me. Well, I’ll tell ya what really matters and that is knowing that my bills are going to be paid. During this quarantine, I have had plenty of time to cultivate my conspiracy theories. One I’ve had for a long time is that I believe there is some invisible force that uses me as their own court jester. If there is a such of a thing as a crystal ball then the person peering into my life on the other end is having a field day giving me a hard time.
I’ve said it before that if there had been a most likely to fail category in school, I would have won it, but my picture and name would have been wrong in the year book. If I had been a contestant on the Voice, they would have turned their chairs around and kept going. I have to be one of the unluckiest persons in the world when it comes to good fortune – I’ve opened cookies at the Chinese restaurant that were empty. If you remember the good old days when you could be the 10th caller into the radio station to win something, I was always 11th. I think you get the idea that good fortune isn’t always on my side. The only thing I ever won that still, to this day – 25 years later, blows my mind; is the heart of my lovely wife. I still haven’t figured that out yet. I’m not complaining about that one though. This week, I tried to file for Mississippi unemployment because I am a private self-employed contractor. If you thought I was just being silly about misfortune – then you will be a believer once this podcast is finished.
They say that the odds of winning the lottery are slim compared to say a satellite falling on your head from outer space, or lightening striking you. I’m sure I’m the guy that gets hit on the head by the satellite followed by the bolt of lightening. At the same time, while I am flopping around like a fish out of water after being tasered by God almighty – the wind will have whisked a lottery ticket into my wife’s hands.
This past week my wife and I both filed for Mississippi Unemployment benefits. We are both independent self-employed contractors in our businesses and Mississippi opened up their portal to those individuals this week. I filled out my portion and did all the pertinent entries and answered all the questions. When I finished it said that my benefit amount was 0.00. I figured as much. Then, I filled out my wife’s with her. All of our answers were similar for our current work situation. When we finish with hers it gave a dollar amount and said – full benefit.
Okay, is it me or did the satellite just hit me in the head? Okay, I know she is prettier than I’ll pretend to be. She’s way more talented. I mean, if she sang the phone book it would win a Grammy. I could master Mozart’s Queen of the Night to perfect perfection and Mozart would sue me from the grave. Am I alone in this? Of course, I am! How do you explain it? I would have thought it might be Karma (if I remotely believed in it) trying to slap me for something I did as a kid.
I started thinking. I must find something I can do to win so I will feel better about myself. It didn’t take me long to zero in on the youngest. He is 5’2 and weighs about 92 lbs. He is competitive so this beatdown would be perfect because he wouldn’t even see it coming. I challenged him to a basketball game. My sister has a basketball goal beside her house that has been lowered. That makes me feel taller, so I am already thinking that my misfortune is about to turn around. We take some time to warm up and shoot the ball some. I am knocking the bottom out of the bucket and that ensues the trash talk. It is my plan to verbally get into his head to give myself an advantage.
I give him the ball first. I didn’t want him to be too upset if I went up by 2 and not give him that opportunity. He misses his first shot and I score 2 on the rebound. I am feeling good about myself and I’m getting under his skin. The look as if this were a friendly game was wiped off his face when I went 4 then up by 6. It doesn’t matter than he’s 11 and I’m 45. I am in the best shape I’ve been in since I was 12 – so I see it as an even competition. He manages to take advantage of some missed shots I tried from too far out and now it’s 6-4. It didn’t take me long to go up by 6 more and make it 12-6. I don’t think Michael Jordan felt this good when he scored 50 in a single game. I am feeling unstoppable and took some quick outside shots that didn’t fall, and he manages to shorten the gap and make it 12-10. Next thing we know, I am up 14-10. The highlight reel should show how much fun it is to pretend you are Dikembe Mutombo and slap the ball across the yard when someone 7 inches shorter than you tries to shoot the ball. I was feeling like Hulk Hogan at the Saturday Night Main Event. Then, out of my over confidence I was talked into a rule change. My son says, “how many points can I get if I make it back here like a 3 pointer?” I said, “I’ll give you 8 points if you make it back there.” I had the opossum eating grin on my face when I said it! Then, out of nowhere he nails the shot and the score is now – 18-14. It’s okay – I am still in this. Then, after taking the ball I shoot and missed. He grabs the rebound and takes the ball back out and drives back towards the goal. He side steps me and I knock the ball out of his hands. He grabs the ball and drives at me again. There’s no way he’ll just shoot from where he is but then he does and nails the bottom of the basket – nothing but net.
He beats me – by 6. All the smack talk down the drain. I quickly realize that I will never be able to make excuses – ever – for the rest of my life. He puts the basketball under his arm and walks away. I’m standing under the goal saying – best out of 3. He says, “why?” Well, I don’t know that’s just what you say when you realize you just got beat by an 11-year-old. There’s nothing left to do but lay down right where I am so the satellite falling from outer space doesn’t have to hit a moving target. While I am lying there waiting on the satellite to fall on me, I had this other question come over me that still leaves me wondering. How did we play this entire game bouncing a ball and stepping all over ground underneath this goal – and not step into the dog poop I just laid down in.
It would be a great help to me if wherever you are hearing the podcast if you could just leave a comment and give me a like. This week I’d like to honor our medical heroes working on the front lines. To do this, I changed my Facebook profile picture to one with me wearing a mask. How about we all do this? Let’s show these men and women how much they matter to us by changing our profile pics on social media by wearing our masks! When you do make sure you use the hashtag #youmatter and let’s continue to support them.
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