“Society has handed me a mask to wear…Everywhere I go, at all times and before all sections of society, I pretend.” 

-Edward Sagarin, Sociologist

While the LGBT+ community has made significant progress towards change and acceptance in political and social spheres the greatest challenge is family. Coming Out. It’s self-disclosure. We as social beings disclose our secrets all the time so no big deal right? Wrong. Coming Out is so much more than affirming yourself to the world, to your friends, to your family. It takes courage to expose that side of yourself to the people you love the most. It can take years, even decades for someone to feel confident and comfortable enough to Come Out because there’s always this voice in the back of your head that gets louder and louder questioning WHAT IF.

“What if they find out?”

“What if someone out’s me?”

“What if things change?”

“What if they hate?”

It takes less than 10 seconds to utter a phrase that is so life changing. In those few fleeting seconds you are in shock you even said them, you have millions of thoughts racing through your mind faster than the blink of an eye. The moments following as your friends and family stare at you, inaudibly questioning if they heard you correctly seem almost unbearable. Those moments are raw, powerful, all consuming. In those moments you’ve exposed your heart, you’re at your most vulnerable. Your senses heighten, your heart races and you feel as though you’ve been set ablaze and frozen solid simultaneously. The voice in the back of your mind is chastising you that you weren’t ready. All the while you’re making a contingency plan if things go badly. You mentally plan out a route if you get thrown out on the street or run away. You come up with a list of friends that will hopefully let you stay with them. You wonder how you will survive without shelter or food…your family. These thoughts consume you until you are brought out of your self-inflicted Hell by a sound you don’t recognize at first until you realize it’s a voice.

As part of this article I interviewed three people, who agreed that I could share their stories with you. I’ve changed their names to give them some degree of anonymity. Please be advised that their experiences may be triggering to some people.

We begin with Rosa. The oldest of five, she has always been a caregiver. At an early age she began to take care of her maternal grandmother who lives next door. From an early age Rosa knew she wasn’t attracted to boys. As time goes on Rosa’s responsibilities grow with her. Her mother, Janet was never around much, especially after her divorce from her father Raul. As her mother moved from boyfriend to boyfriend each one worse than the next Rosa took on the responsibilities of raising her younger siblings and caring for her rapidly declining grandmother. At 14 while cleaning the kitchen one night after her siblings and grandmother had gone to bed, and her mother at work, her mother’s live-in boyfriend forced himself onto Rosa. She didn’t tell anyone about what happened for years. At 15 Rosa began to develop feelings for one of her friends Lina. Lina, aware of Rosa’s feelings asks to simply remain friends, over time their friendship becomes something more. The two inseparable friends are now spending almost every waking moment with each other. Rosa’s grandmother is the first to notice their relationship. Rosa, being very close to her grandmother admits her love for Lina. Her grandmother initially is shocked that her granddaughter is in love with woman but affirms that her feelings for her haven’t changed and they won’t change. 

Three years later and Rosa is now 20, her grandmother sadly passed the year prior. Rosa has a job at a local bank while attending night classes at college. In the year since her grandmother has passed she has since came out to her siblings, all of whom are a glad that she has found happiness with Lina. Feeling empowered and feeling the time is right Rosa comes out to her mother. The experience as Rosa describes it was disheartening. Her mother berated her, they had a protracted argument in which Rosa told her mother about the encounter in the kitchen late one night years prior. Her mother called her a liar and a disgrace and that she “didn’t raise her to be a lesbian” to which Rosa respond with tears streaming down her face “You didn’t raise me, I raised myself.” Rosa’s mother responded by forcing her daughter out of the house and told her to never come back. This deeply affected Rosa, not wanting the same outcome with her father (her parents are divorced) she did not tell her father for years. Rosa’s mother gradually warmed up to Rosa and her “lifestyle choices”, however she passed away a few years later. After her mother’s passing Rosa gathered the courage to come out to her father. The encounter did not go well. Even years after coming out to him, he refuses to acknowledge Rosa as his daughter. Now 26 years old, Rosa is still estranged from her father, however since her coming out to him she has married her longtime girlfriend Lina.

Next we move to Greg, the oldest of three. Up until he was fifteen Greg lived with his parents and siblings in a midsize city in Georgia, not much larger than Tupelo. He and his family had always been close and attended church regularly. After years of keeping his true-self hidden from his family and friends he came out to his best friend who had no problem with Greg’s sexuality. Greg still fearful of his family’s reaction decided to wait until he thought his family was ready. At some point later (Greg didn’t give a time frame), having gained the courage came out to his siblings. His sister reacted by hugging him and telling him that she didn’t care about his orientation, she only cared about him. Greg’s brother however did not have the same loving response. He refused to speak to Greg or even be in the same room with him for extended periods of time. After several weeks, their parent’s growing tired of their behavior confronted both of them at family dinner one evening. Greg recalls that fateful moment perfectly. “It was a Friday, late summer, the air heavy with the smell of rain” (Petrichor for anyone wondering what rain smells like). His brother was asked several times what was wrong, finally breaking under the pressure and annoyance. 

Learning about their oldest child’s preference for men instead of women, their mother sat shocked while their father verbally assaulting him. Greg’s father, a disciplinarian by nature instead of nurture, especially in anything that is a sin in the eyes of God then took Greg into the garage and flogged him with his belt and told to repent for his perversion as torrential downpours happened outside. Afterwards and over the next year Greg’s mother grew to accept him and love him as before, his brother in Greg’s own words “treated me like dirt”, his father treated him again in his own words “lower than dirt, I was nothing to him.” During which time his father used even the slightest infraction as a chance to punish Greg. Greg, emotionally broken and battered ran away from home and was taken in by far more tolerant family in another state. Greg had no contact with his siblings or mother for almost eight years. His mother has since remarried, he has a warm relationship with his sister, he however barely speaks with his brother. To this day Greg has had no contact with his father.

We now move on to Anne, a mother of three boys. Anne grew up in a small town in North Mississippi, she was raised by her parents Bob, a supervisor at a local manufacturing plant and Susan, a midwife. Both of Anne’s parents are religious, her mother more so than her father. When Anne was 17 she came out to both of her parents. Her father was supportive of her, Susan however was not. Susan condemned Anne for her “lifestyle” and told her that she was going to Hell. Susan expressed that hearing her mother condemn her was the hardest and most painful thing she has ever experienced and wounded her deeply. Susan’s mother has softened since her coming out some 15 years ago but their relationship is still strained to this day because of it. 

These stories and experiences not only show the hardships and turmoil these people went through but also their tremendous courage, hope and willpower. Personally, interviewing and hearing their retelling of their coming out experiences I myself have a great deal of respect for them. Instead of hiding behind a mask given to them by society they now proudly show themselves as they are to the world. I’d like to thank Anne, Jane, and Greg for sharing their journeys with me. 

If you are having thoughts of coming out to your friends and family I strongly urge you to do so when you feel the time is right. Only you can be the judge of when others are ready to see your true self, not the mask society has given you. Once your mask has been removed it can’t be replaced. Until that time comes I wish you all the happiness in the world. You have an ally in me.