TUPELO– Despite precautionary measures being taken on a local level to prevent the spread of Coronavirus, including prolonging Spring Break for schools and event cancellations, the potholes at the Mall at Barnes Crossing will remain open. 

“There’s no need to close now,” says one pothole. “They don’t sell toilet paper at the Mall, so traffic on Mall Circle is lighter than usual. It’s all at Walmart and Kroger. We potholes have been wide open for years, so why would we shut down when there are fewer cars?” 

Some Tupelo residents think it’s the perfect time to fill in the potholes.

“With so many people in self-quarantine, they should take advantage and fill in the potholes,” says Julie Belsom of Saltillo. 

Dozens of areas on the 1.2 mile loop around the Mall at Barnes Crossing were filled last year, but the potholes were gaping once again within months. 

“Asphalt‘s our only natural enemy,” says another pothole. “They filled us last last year, but did that stop us? No, sir. If asphalt couldn’t stop us, then a little Covid-19 won’t stop us either.”

Most mall patrons are have never been fans of the potholes and are upset at their refusal to heed the warnings of health officials.

“They need to think of others,” says Margaret Shomaker. “It tears up my car to drive over them.”

The potholes have an alternative solution.

“For starters, people could drive over us more slowly. I don’t know, maybe it’s less about the holes and more about how fast they want to get to Great American Cookie. Also, if people are really worried about it then they could avoid us altogether and shop locally. Local businesses are the ones who will take the biggest hit from the self-quarantines, so maybe try going to one of them.

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Zach Bragg is a Tupelo-based comedian and satirist whose inability to requite his lofty goals with adequate follow-through makes him wonder why he ever agreed to do this in the first place. His experience in journalism includes writing current event summaries for social studies class in middle and high school, as well as reading some Hunter S. Thompson. Originally from Hattiesburg, he moved to Tupelo in 2005 and has called it home ever since, like your classic poser. He achieved modest regional success as the creator of the Tupelo Tourism video series, but has managed not to get a big head about it. Bragg can also be seen every other month as the host of Bees, Dude! (A Comedy Show) at Queen’s Reward Meadery in Tupelo. Zach lives just outside of Tupelo with his wife, kids, and the ceaseless anxiety about things he did and said in middle school.

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