Tupelo Man Anxious To Return to Poor Hygiene Habits

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Tupelo – While many Mississippi residents are dubious about the decision to reopen the state, many are excited to get back to their old way of life. Although while most people are anxious to go back to work or school, reunite with family and friends, or engage in normal social activity, Tupelo resident Merle Swindoll doesn’t want to wash his hands anymore.

“I’m a law abiding citizen, so when we were told to start washing our hands, I did,” says Swindoll. “I even started coughing into my elbow pit.”

Tupelo resident Haley Agnew Johnson wonders why it took a pandemic for people like Swindol to start practicing good hygiene to begin with.

“I’m not complaining that they’re finally being cautious,” say Johnson. “I’m just curious why it took a pandemic for people to start observing the absolute bare minimum standard precautions.”

Now after 6 weeks of pandemic-influenced lifestyle changes, Swindoll has had enough.

“I think the government’s just trying to run our lives. I wouldn’t be surprised if this hygiene push is just a dry run for a police state.”

Swindoll claims he just wants things to go back to how they used to be.

“Since this whole thing started, I ain’t had any black under my finger nails. I want to be able to clean under my nails with my pocket knife then cut my apple with the same knife, just like I used to, and just like my father and his father before him did. You can’t take away a man’s traditions. It’s heritage.”

When asked how he felt about how his actions could affect others, Swindoll, who has both a “Pro Life” and an “All Lives Matter” bumper sticker on his truck, did not mince any words.

“It’s mostly old people that are dying from Corona. But you know what else kills old people? Being old. Sometimes you gotta make sacrifices for the greater good. I want to cough into my hand and touch stuff again. I want to lick my fingers at the Chinese buffet without pulling out hand sanitizer. I want to pee in public restrooms, not wash my hands, then grab the door handle with wanton disregard for everyone else who has to touch it.”

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Zach Bragg is a Tupelo-based comedian and satirist whose inability to requite his lofty goals with adequate follow-through makes him wonder why he ever agreed to do this in the first place. His experience in journalism includes writing current event summaries for social studies class in middle and high school, as well as reading some Hunter S. Thompson. Originally from Hattiesburg, he moved to Tupelo in 2005 and has called it home ever since, like your classic poser. He achieved modest regional success as the creator of the Tupelo Tourism video series, but has managed not to get a big head about it. Bragg can also be seen every other month as the host of Bees, Dude! (A Comedy Show) at Queen’s Reward Meadery in Tupelo. Zach lives just outside of Tupelo with his wife, kids, and the ceaseless anxiety about things he did and said in middle school.

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