New Year Expected To Be Delayed By Crosstown Train

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2220

Tupelo– While the rest of the state is ringing in the new year this Tuesday night through Wednesday morning, Tupelo will have to wait. The arrival of 2020 in Tupelo is expected to be delayed due to the Crosstown train.

“I anticipate being delayed about 20 minutes,” says The New Year, “but who knows? If the train does that thing where it stops and backs up, it could be longer. Or heaven forbid we have a repeat of The Burger King Incident of 2004.”

In 2004, Tupelo was shut down by the Crosstown train when the engineer stopped the train, got out, and went into the Burger King located at the busy Tupelo intersection to get food.

“If it’s just your straightforward train crossing, then Tupelo shouldn’t have to wait on me for very long,” says The New Year.

Tupelo residents were asked their opinions on the anticipated delay.

“Shoot, we’re having a party downtown. If the guest of honor wants to be late, well that’s its prerogative,” says Marv Whitlock of East Tupelo. “The longer we wait, the more get we party.”

The downtown celebration will take place on New Years Eve and will include four cover bands, children’s activities, a ball drop, fireworks, a car giveaway, and more.

“There’s not a soul in Tupelo who hasn’t been affected by the Crosstown train. We’re all at its mercy,” says Ethan Nolan. “We live our lives thinking that we have free will, that we have choice. We think that we have power. It’s all an illusion. The train is an unscrupulous behemoth, an unholy colossus of steel and grease that demands only one thing of its subjects: everything. And we pay that oblation day after day, kneeling in its shadow as it plunges its way through our town. And though we wail and curse and gnash and beg for mercy, there is no mercy to be found. Only the thunderous, unforgiving bellow of its horn, laughing at us in our powerlessness. That train has the power. It is power. It runs this town. If we mere mortals are slaves to the train then it only makes sense that a construct of our own making, like time or a calendar year, would also be a slave to the train. This is the train’s world. We just live in it.”

The Tupelo New Year’s Eve Party starts at 6pm and will end whenever the New Year can get there.

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Zach Bragg is a Tupelo-based comedian and satirist whose inability to requite his lofty goals with adequate follow-through makes him wonder why he ever agreed to do this in the first place. His experience in journalism includes writing current event summaries for social studies class in middle and high school, as well as reading some Hunter S. Thompson. Originally from Hattiesburg, he moved to Tupelo in 2005 and has called it home ever since, like your classic poser. He achieved modest regional success as the creator of the Tupelo Tourism video series, but has managed not to get a big head about it. Bragg can also be seen every other month as the host of Bees, Dude! (A Comedy Show) at Queen’s Reward Meadery in Tupelo. Zach lives just outside of Tupelo with his wife, kids, and the ceaseless anxiety about things he did and said in middle school.

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