Home Local Humor The Chew Number of Cannons in Tupelo Plateaus For 90th Consecutive Year

Number of Cannons in Tupelo Plateaus For 90th Consecutive Year

Number of Cannons in Tupelo Plateaus For 90th Consecutive Year

TUPELO – Tupelo residents continue to live in embarrassment as the town’s cannon count remains at two for the 90th consecutive year.

The Tupelo National Battlefield, the site of the 1864 Battle of Tupelo, is the current location of Tupelo’s only two cannons.

“Since the battlefield’s establishment as a national landmark in 1929, we’ve seen zero percent growth in terms of our cannon numbers,” says Iris Wilson, director of the visitors center. “I’m no math whiz, but at that rate, in another 90 years I fear we’ll still only have two.”

Some residents aren’t happy to be living in perpetual humiliation.

“It’s ridiculous,” says Tupelo resident and self-proclaimed cannon enthusiast Jim Ross. “When a football team is this bad for this long, you fire the coach. Well who do we fire? Someone needs to be held accountable. Other towns are are running circles around us with their cannon numbers.”

When asked what specific towns to which he was referring, Ross couldn’t remember any off hand.

Despite the bleak forecast, some residents are still looking positively to the future. 

“It’ll turn around,” Janice Waldrop claims. “It’ll have to. Right now this town is all about Elvis, but soon all the Elvis fans will die out. Then Tupelo’s gonna be looking for something else to keep that tourism money coming in. Then all the boys at the tourism bureau will begging the cannons to dance. Everything’s coming up cannons!”

Across the street, the faithful members of Wesley United Methodist Church believe the town’s near century-long cannon drought may just be the work of a higher power.

“Those cannons are pointed directly at our church, the house of the Lord. It’s no wonder we’ve not seen blessings befall our cannon populace,” warns worshipper Terry Criddle. “If they were wise, the National Park Service would point them west toward the car wash across Monument Drive; there’s no car wash god they’d have to answer to is all I’m saying.”

Anyone interested in donating a cannon to help increase the town’s cannon count should contact Our Tupelo via social media.

Zach Bragg
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Zach Bragg is a Tupelo-based comedian and satirist whose inability to requite his lofty goals with adequate follow-through makes him wonder why he ever agreed to do this in the first place. His experience in journalism includes writing current event summaries for social studies class in middle and high school, as well as reading some Hunter S. Thompson. Originally from Hattiesburg, he moved to Tupelo in 2005 and has called it home ever since, like your classic poser. He achieved modest regional success as the creator of the Tupelo Tourism video series, but has managed not to get a big head about it. Bragg can also be seen every other month as the host of Bees, Dude! (A Comedy Show) at Queen’s Reward Meadery in Tupelo. Zach lives just outside of Tupelo with his wife, kids, and the ceaseless anxiety about things he did and said in middle school.


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